Stella's blog was so well written that it really brought forth a true and real memory of teenaged angst. Made me think of middleschool back in the day for me! WHat a brutal time. I too, had a Lucifer who went by the initial "J." He tormented me to no end about my innermost insecurities...or sometimes i think if i my insecurities even came from what he used to torment me about! Either way, i had such rage toward him that I wished him a bad beating every single day by the roughest gang Mississauga could produce. It's weird that even tho so many years have gone by since those awkward pre-teen days and you're a completely different person now with a renewed confidence, running into that person makes all these memories flood back like you were again that kid teased in the school yard. Shrunk down a little on the inside, even though now you are armed with the beguiling power that women have over men.
J is oblivious about the past and the pain it caused you...it was just kid stuff to him, but you haven't forgotten how small you felt.
Grudges don't make sense after this long, but "J" put that insecurity within you during a very critical period of life...so critical a point that it sparked up and indexed you to that low place in time and space...even if only for a second. I have a "J" too, and I ran into him at the bank one day and as he sized me up, insecure memories flooded behind my charming smile with a sparkle in my flirting eye. "I have you in the palm of my hand," I thought.
"Nice to see you again," I said as I wrapped up conversation and took his down his email.
I'll never write him, I don't think...but I knew that when I saw him I had won. Shame on me for thinking I won, when no one but me ever realized there was a game.
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