funny phrases of the weekend

"...so, I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago when she found out I was cheating on her, but now I just stopped doing drugs as much, and I have a great job working in a factory. My life is really starting to get back on track...so do you have a man?"

"Does your ass ever sweat so much that you get panicky when you have to stand up for fear that you left ass marks on the seat? Hey, can you check my pants to see if they have sweat marks?"