This week has been blah... gloomy weather, and my spirits about the same. Is it too late to find decent friends at this stage in life and actually make something of it? Or am I too late for that to happen? It seems impossible... and when you do find a connection with someone it turns out to be not what you hoped for, and you end up disheartened and torn between bailing and pressing on. Selfishness makes me consider the latter. BBQ tuesdays has taken an interesting turn with the introspective midnight drives home and just learning a lot more about myself and what I want.. or perhaps confusing me because I end up getting carried away in my thoughts. Even being bound by the crypts of language feeds my inner turmoil and anguish. Why am I bound by the person I'm supposed to be? I long for the day we can be free from our physical bodies and just roam free in a chaotic frenzy...everyone connected to eachother in the purest form, without holding anything back even if you wanted to. I am so vain and superficial, but I will never be able to fully escape it. I want to just scream sometimes... let my hair down and throw myself out into the rain. It's storming out, and I'm sitting here wishing I could be a part of it. There's something so sexy about thunderstorms..they're dark and angry, just exploding in passion.. climax turning and rising as though the clouds were making love with the sky. I love it. But in two minutes I will forget it all... my godsister will be here, and I will put on my superficial armour and be the charming girl I am and have wonderful time with her, drinking Coronas and talking about how perfect life is. Here I am slipping further away from the moment because now she's downstairs waiting for me... on y va...ciao.