July 17, 2003, 12:47am

Why is it that now that I’m happy and taken, new men seem to be falling into my lap? What a waste. Here I am trying to console my best friend about how she shouldn’t give up, that the opportunity for love could be waiting around the corner… and she cannot meet a single decent guy. I think she is finding it unfair, and I honestly don’t know what to tell her. I wonder if this is a part of my experience with the 2 months that I have being “single.” I know I’m not really single, nor do I feel it, but I do have this time to myself. I was talking about it to my small groups tonight, and I think that God is testing me, to see if I really know what I want to do with my life. I think He is trying to challenge my character and provide opportunities for me to get to know myself. I was talking to Melanie, my avid single friend, about how I don’t feel that I am missing out on living my own life having decided to be serious with my boyfriend so young. I am really realizing that now that I have all the time in the world to do what I want…well for 2 months at least. It is true, that I am going out more, and meeting some new friends and reacquainting with old ones…but at the end of the day, I still find myself incomplete. And in every new person I meet, if they are guys, on a superficial level, I find myself subconsciously rating them as potential suitors…just out of curiosity. Nothing ever interests me beyond an acquaintance level. When I think back to when I met Sharl, I can’t remember ever having such an instant connection with someone in my life. Everything about him seemed to fit with me. His mannerisms, his personality, his sense of humor, his loyalty, his honesty and especially his love for me. I could never imagine trading that for anything. I think that during this time that I am coming to know myself, I am preparing myself for the next stage of my life. I wanted to get all my inhibitions out… see if there would be anything to hold me back from committing myself. Somehow, I feel to have learned a lot over the past few weeks, about who I am, and what I want, and where I stand. I am thinking for myself without being influenced by my parents, my friends or even Sharl. Amidst all the anarchy in my mind, I have come to the conclusion that I am finally ready!! There is nothing in my mind that gives me a doubt that Sharl is for life. I am scared, nervous, excited and restless all at the same time. I know that I’ve told him before that I see him in my future, but for the first time, it feels so real…not just something that will happen someday… I can’t believe I am bearing my heart and soul to my damn computer screen, but I can’t sleep… I needed to scream this all out before I explode. I am young and naïve and crazy, but I guess that just goes with being in love…and I’m not scared anymore…I just can’t wait!!