June 29, 2003, 10:02

Man… its freaky how Sharl gets into my head.. friggin John Malkovich all over again. Right when I was writing how I felt about disappointing him, he called me. We talked for a record half an hour, which is super long considering we barely speak on the phone to each other for longer than it takes to say “Goodnight,” or “I’m coming over.” It hurt to hear him disheartened toward me, and as I tried to explain myself as rationally as I could, it pierced my heart to have him think that now I was just like every other girl…no longer special. My wall pride flared up instantly and made me angry that he was judging me. But now that I have started to think it over, I feel more sad, because he is right. I know that he has me raised on a pedestal, and as idealistic as it may be, I want to live up to everything he thinks of me. I think he truly makes me a better person. I noticed how my guard totally dropped when I heard his voice. I both love and hate how he is able to get inside the core of my being and really know me as a person. He sees through all the masks I sometimes wear and just loves who I am inside. The chaotic mess of emotions, and irrational thoughts. I’m scared of his ideologies about me. And having him think that I was no longer that special girl he thought I was made me feel so empty all of a sudden. Maybe deep down I know I’m not special and I’m scared he’ll one day find that out and change his mind about me. And when Sharl told me that he loved me even after all the hypocrisies I’ve told him, I felt relieved and at the same time ashamed and unworthy. I know that this runs a parallel with how I feel about God. Even though God can see every single sin and mistake in my life… everything I’m embarrassed of…everything that should make him give up on me, He forgives me and still manages to love me. At the same time my biggest reoccurring nightmare is that when I appear at the gates of Heaven, God will tell me that he is too ashamed of me…that I am too unworthy to be let in, and I will spend the rest of my life empty and alone. Somehow, grace has saved me twice tonight: once by the kindness of heart from Sharl, and secondly, by the unconditional love of God. I know it may seem strange, but even though Sharl doesn’t believe in God, he reminds me of how God loves me. Just for who I am…EXPOSED. I know I don’t deserve it, but I hope to live the rest of my life showing how grateful I am for it. So maybe when I dream tonight, this time I will be able to walk through the gates of heaven, and I will be able to meet my bebe in bed, under the covers, just the two of us… I can’t imagine anything more perfect than that.