Tonight I asked my small group to help me pray for my impatience and hostility toward my mother. Already…after only 20 minutes in the door, I am faced with feeling such anger toward her. It makes me so angry when she does not respect my feelings. She denies that I even have any. She just ignores them and pretends that they do not exist. I ask for a simple favor, and she makes such a big deal out of it, and it puts her in a bad mood. I can’t believe that she would be so cold hearted to show treatment of less regard than a stranger. She can’t accept this part of me, and it burns me up inside, and creates within me such a paradox of feelings. Love. Hate. I hate her so much at times like this. It makes me seem ashamed of the way I feel. It’s so wrong to feel bad about love. Where I love so much for so many reasons, she hates without even knowing. This eats away at me everyday. Sometimes I want to just run away from it all, and say, fuck it. But I can’t because I can’t be dishonorable. My dad, in his quiet way tries to help me…he tries to see the good, but my mom is just so close-minded and stubborn. I hate stubbornness sooooo fucking much. It’s so hard to feel happy when I feel so angry inside. I pray that God will take my anger away. I also pray that he give my mom understanding and compassion toward this aspect of my life. That He will find a way to help me find a way through this. And if my life is to follow through in the course that I’m headed, in the direction that I’m hoping for… that He will bring me peace.