I found myself thinking of my Grandma today. I haven't spoken to her in a long time, and I know I've been avoiding it. She is just not the same person anymore, and I find it really hard to talk to her without getting upset. Knowing she'll never be how she used to be, breaks my heart. It's so hard to see someone you love so dearly slip away from you. It's so gradual that I barely notice anything is wrong.. but then I stop to remember how it was, and it chokes me up inside. I miss her so much. I remember when I was little, I used to skip family vacations so I could spend time with her. No matter what we were doing or how fun the vacation would have been, I'd choose to stay in Montreal for weeks or months during the summer. I would follow Grandma around EVERYWHERE, helping her as much as I could, and never leaving her side. I look back now, and I'm surprised that she never got annoyed with me. She genuinely enjoyed my company. She always treated me as an equal, and NEVER talked down to me. She spoke to me as if I was her friend, telling me so many stories of growing up during the war in a small town. We never did anything extraordinary, and our activities rarely strayed beyond the backyard or the pool, but I could have never imagined our time together to be anymore fullfilling. There was so much laughter, so many hugs, so many silly moments, so much Mexican rummy, Clue, tomato sandwiches and ice tea... and most importantly so much love. In just observing her softspoken, cheerful and friendly nature, she has set a model example of the kind of person I want grow up to be. From her, I've learned to respect people of all ages.. especially young children. "You never know who's looking up to you" is the silent mentality through which she lived. She was never too proud to admit when she was wrong.. even to me, being so much younger. I will always be greatful for the love she and respect she has shown me, not only as her granddaughter, but as a person. It has helped build my self-confidence, and given me the assurance that even the underspoken and humble have the power to affect... and change CAN be accomplished through kindness, and being nice will get you somewhere in life. I will forever be greatful for the special role she has played in my life, and for the valuable time that we shared together.
I pray to God that he will change my heart, and remind me to show her love and concern even though she is changing. I pray that he will always watch over her, and give our family patience to care for her. I also want God to give me the patience and acceptance that it is my time to show her the unconditional love that she has shown me. It seems that the roles are slowly reversing...as they do in the way that life turns. It is so hard to be strong when I'm unnaccepting of God's will. I wish He wouldn't do it this way... where I have to watch her slowly slip away. Memory by memory. It's so painful, that I'd rather be in denial... or rather... in hiding. I pray that God will make me strong enough to face it... and accept it...and to be mature about it. Help me not to get angry at Him, but to be thankful for putting her in my life in the first place. I will endure this and be there for her...even if it costs me all the tears in my body. It's such a small price to pay in return for all that she has done to make me who I am today.