Honestly... I wonder what would happen if i just stopped trying. I'm sick of being the one who always gives in. Sometiems it would be nice to be the one who's right.. but how could I ever possibly win? i would never have put up with this form anyone before, so why is this so different... I can't deal with stubbornness.. it gets me nowhere, and I don't have time for it. Frig man.. I'm a sucker.

Aside all that...
I had a nice time with Laurissa last night. We just sat in her car in a parking lot and talked. And it was nice. We didn't even mention any boys.. much. I can't talk to my best friend anymore.. we're drifting. It's just not like it was, and i don't know how to go back. It's sad.
After, Laurissa and I went to Moxie's.. I likey it there... Nice atmosphere, good food..and I ran into a lot of people...
I saw all of my ex's friends there, which was strangely nostalgic. Alex told me about how he became a Christian. I am so happy for him. His parents accepted Christ as well, which is a real blessing because it really brought them closer together. Kinda sparked something inside me to hear about it.. and to hear about the joy in discovering greater love.
I wish that I felt that new love inside. Where I could feel deep inside my heart that God was there. I miss Him. Sometimes I'll lie in the dark, waiting to feel him near me, but I can't. I haven't made enough time for Him in my life, and I know deep down that he's disappointed in me. That I'm not showing his love through my actions. I still havent' gotten over that comment my bf once made, "You don't act like a Christian." It made me choke up and feel so ashamed. I feel like such a hypocrite. I don't even live and show what I believe. How sad is that? I even wonder if when I die, God will say to me, "Who are you... I don't remember you." and he will close the door of Heaven in my face, while the rest of my family and loved ones walk through. I would then spend eternity wishing that I had lived my life differently.. but it will be too late.... God will not be able to hear me anymore. And I would be alone forever.
Man.. listenign to the news about war is driving me crazy.. it is reminding me of how life is sooooo unpredictable, and how life can be terminated in just one second.. one split decision. Would I have everything in order if my life ended today. Right now? Would God remember me at Heaven's gates? Would he give me the time of day, when I don't reciprocate? I dont' deserve His love. I am not worth it. But somehow, Jesus did think that I was worth it, and he proved it by dying for me. No one else has ever loved me enough to die for me... and i don't even appreciate it. I need to keep reminding myself of what he did for me.... thousands of years ago, and start appreciating it. Everyday. Every moment. Forever.